My oh my what a steamy weekend it must have been. Valentine’s Weekend during the pandemic! And we applaud that. For those that participated in some form of sex. I think we all can recall when talking about sex was the most tantalizing thing in our middle school years into our early adult lives. From the time that girls started noticing boys, boys starting noticing girls, girls started noticing girls, boys started noticing boys, or when we started noticing ourselves, it seemed that our small but mighty pubescent engines started and revved easily into young adulthood. We had limitless opportunities and could fantasize to our heart’s desires.
As adults though, how often do we really talk about sex? Sure, it is a private and intimate part of one’s life but at what point do we just bare it all? Maybe we don’t bare it all…but, it IS okay to talk about sex. Every generation has the opportunity to change the dialogue around sex. And it’s an opportunity to make sex talk mainstream rather than only something we talk about in hushed tones. The conversation changes when you are 20, 30, 40, and so on. There is never a wrong time to talk about sex. Now having said that, it may not be appropriate to talk about your husband’s sausage to the butcher packing your fresh spring chicken, but it is certainly okay to talk to your husband about his sausage when he is roasting that lovely spring chicken.
What about those impromptu nights with the gal pals that result in a couple of open bottles of wine and boxes of chocolate. What about the lots of laughter and comfort of being able to reminisce about your first kiss, how soft the back seat of your first car was, when you had to throw away your favorite pair of white cutoffs, or how you managed to sneak Johnny or Jenny upstairs after a neighborhood block party in the 80s. These conversations and experiences, albeit personal facilitated something. It tendered trust and reliability. It solidified relationships and created a space for us to be open no matter how embarrassing. You can laugh at the fact that you got your braces stuck in Brad’s during the junior high semiformal dance. You can also use that same experience to give advice to your now 16-year-old daughter about how, when, and why it is important to know your body first before anyone else.
The Birds and the Bees: A conversation that lasts through adulthood
Believe it or not, you will be having the birds and bees conversation with multiple people at various points in life. Your first time may be getting the talk from your parents. Your second might be with you as the parent instead. The third time might be with your partner. The fourth time might be with your doctor. The stigma around the “talk” is rooted in a sense of uncomfortableness. Well, screw always being comfortable. Embrace that discomfort and figure out why you feel like you do.
So when you are with your friends, gal pals, bros, dudes, partners, or whomever you decide to embrace in your circle, share your experiences with pride. Our sexual nature changes as frequently as airline prices. Embracing the conversations when we have them keeps us open to new experiences and reminds us that we are in fact as badass as we say we are. It does not matter if you are in your mid-50s and are feeling the lasting effects of menopause or someone who just had a double mastectomy and is looking at your body for the first time post-surgery. You are a sexual being who deserves pleasure, sensuality, and to feel as beautiful as I know you are.
Men deserve this too. Are you built like a brick wall with broad shoulders and abs for days? Fantastic! Are you lean, tall, and constantly being asked to get the top-shelf groceries for folks? I love that! Are you a guy with meat on your bones who forgets to love himself more often than he would like? Amazing! Sex, intimacy, masculinity, and all of these aspects of intimate and personal being are all okay to embrace. If readers choose only one thing to take away from this it is that we have to love ourselves no matter how amazing, imperfect, or “not quite there” we are. We all deserve to be loved and to feel good and to get pleasure.
Hold up. Stop right there! Sex? Intimacy? Vulnerability?
Hi, my name is (your name goes here) and I am afraid of being vulnerable sharing about myself.
That is okay. Talking about the most intimate parts of ourselves, our partners, our past partners, and even those we fantasize about is okay. It is not easy, but talking about sex can relieve a lot of pressure we put on ourselves. This PsychAlive article talks about the importance of talking about sex. To summarize the article, it is important to talk about it because our sexual lives and identities are as fluid and ever-changing as we are. When we shut down about talking about this very real component of ourselves, what happens? There is a fierce and lasting connection to emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical health when we talk about sex, intimacy, and our bodies candidly. We are sexual beings. And when we stay shut down those connections dissipate.
Biologically, the function of a heterosexual relationship is to procreate. It is for posterity. We know, however, that hundreds of other animal species have sex for pleasure like monkeys, pigs, and even dolphins. Humans have sex for pleasure, but far too many hide that. Why? Because it feels good and are we not entitled to feel good? Many are freer today to discuss it, but Puritanism dies a slow death. And sexual deviance emerges when the sex topic remains “in the dark”. So it is important to acknowledge and enjoy the topic of sex openly—let it out of the dark. Sex is not taboo. It is life. It quite literally is life if we want to get uber-technical.
This feels awkward to talk about. Is that an okay way to feel?
Sure it is okay to feel awkward. Practice makes it easier—the more you do it the more natural it feels (sounds like sex). When was the last time you had a conversation about sex with someone other than your doctor, significant other, or other clinicians? Listen, I am not encouraging you to tell your parents about your adventures during college, or start telling tales in your workplace (very bad move) about your escapades during your early 20s, but you should feel okay advocating for your own sexual health and desires.
If you think it feels awkward for some people, think about being someone who is a sexual or gender minority in today’s socially motivated dating sphere? Think about the starkly different responses that people give when someone of the same gender flirts with them. Why is it that typically, women are flattered, but men feel like their ego is compromised? Maybe this is because toxic masculinity is still a thing. In no way, shape, or form am I condoning locker room talk, tearing down others, or using misogyny and comparing it to being vulnerable about your own wants and needs. There is a balance and that should be respected. Men, women, and people, in general, should be respected and loved.
Part of why talking about these things is so difficult is because at one point we did explore and we got shut down. As young curious children realizing that boys are in fact different than girls, or as s teens wearing clothes that made us feel attractive and having someone shame us for it. Whether it was a partner, family member, friend, or some random person we attempted to showcase our sexuality in a way that felt comfortable and good for us. We were told we looked fat in those pants, were catcalled on a street corner, asked “Are you really wearing that?” or worse. Those statements, actions, and behaviors hurt us as people. When it happens time and time again by the same people who think they are doing us a favor or giving us an advantage, we learn to live with the wound and the scar that keeps reforming after each time it happens.
I want to embrace the real me and feel comfortable.
Then do it. Our sexuality comes from our minds, bodies, and spirits. It is interdependent on us feeling good all around. Take a moment and think about the last time you called yourself sexy or looked in the mirror and thought “Damn I am a hot beef tenderloin (or tofu for our vegetarians) ready for serving.” What else was happening in your life? Did you recently find love? Were you doing really well at work? Were you confident in your spirituality? Or did you decide you just damn deserved it (this should always be an option)?!
As people, we have the right to feel sexy and good in the skin we are in. We have the voice to say “Umm no a little lower and to the right”. We have the voice to say “This makes me feel good” or “I make myself feel good. ” Experiencing our full sexual potential is a job best suited for us and the people we choose to invite on the journey. There is no right way to do it so long as we are encouraging others to live their best lives along the way. Go talk about sex. Better yet go HAVE sex and talk about it!
